I want to inaugurate the Reflection page of my blog with a topic, an experience I would say, that has occupied my mind ever since I left my country at the age of eleven to study in Sri Lanka. This experience became more prominent when I was an undergraduate student at the University of Peradeniya and more so now in the United States of America.
When we greet others it is customary to ask ‘how are you?’. This is, in general, a very nice thing to do. But, what I notice is that often times this question is asked with an air of superficiality. I wonder if people ask this question with any sincere feeling of care and concern for the other person. Quite frequently, I have seen someone would say ‘how are you’ but does not even stop to hear what the other person has to say. Everyone is in a rush. This is not to say that I am blaming anyone for their behaviour as I am not exempt from this superficiality myself. This is just drawing attention to the kind of life we live in today’s world. Constantly rushing, hardly having any time for another person, superficial relationships, and no time to show genuine and sincere concern for the people around. This is a saddening experience. There were times when I felt ‘how are you’ was the most difficult question in the world. People just throw this question at you and don’t really seem to care about how you are actually feeling. You can’t tell them that true feeling either. Because you know they don’t want to hear the deep anxieties, fears, frustrations, loneliness, stress, insecurities, and so on that bother you, not to speak of the experience of sicknesses. Everyone experiences these emotions and goes through difficult phases in life some time or other, some more often and more intensely than others. So, they don’t want to burden their days with others’ stories.
However, there is only one person who asks me ‘how are you’ so warmly that the very question itself makes me feel relieved of the various problems I’d be experiencing. Over the years, I have come to believe that no one asks ‘how are you’ with so much genuine care, affection, and concern than my mother. I must say I have felt similarly when I talk to my father too but the way my mother says things seems to be so deep and directly touching my heart. Even when I talk over the phone I feel the warmth and her wishing for my wellbeing in a very unique way. I might be biased here! It may or may not be true for everyone.
This also reminds me that the Buddha himself used the example of how mothers protect their only child even staking their own lives. In the same way, the Buddha encouraged his disciples to cultivate unconditional care and loving-kindness (mettā) for all the sentient beings. What is interesting for me is that I think the relationship between a mother and child is not always honest. For example, sometimes when I am not feeling well, having a toothache, or a headache or what not, I don’t directly tell this to my mother. I know she’d be worried to hear even about the slightest fever I may have. I am more honest with my doctors than to my mother in that regard. Yet, I feel so much relief and happiness to hear the way my mother asks about my wellbeing. Because I know every moment of her waking hours she keeps on thinking about her children and wishing only for their wellbeing unconditionally. She even used to say, rather in a funny way, may my children have a lifespan of as many years as there are hairs on my head. I wish I knew how many hairs she exactly has or had. It is so amusing and heartwarming to hear her say that. Sometimes I ask myself – is it possible to have that kind of an attitude of genuine care and concern for all the people and beings around me? Is it possible to ask ‘how are you?’ to people around me, to my near and dear ones, with the same feeling of warmth of my mother?
vūpasamāya 